I wrote this for KLove's (Christian radio station) Sanctus Real story contest. I only had a 250 word limit, so I condensed BIG TIME... I know I'm usually a bit wordy.
"There is no heartbeat." Those were the words I replayed over and over in my head for almost a year. Our overwhelming joy of trying to grow our family came to a complete halt. These were the only words I heard and remember from my doctor appointment that day.
I was angry and discouraged with God. And I couldn't understand why this was happening.
After a year I was pregnant again, while sitting on pins and needles, I kept thinking something was going to be wrong. I just knew it.
There was something wrong, only with me, not the baby. While pregnant my doctors discovered a growth on one of my ovaries, gone undetected until this point.
I was soon diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I became a new mother to a healthy baby boy and was now facing cancer all within the same day.
I asked God one question, "Why?"
My question was answered with a very direct "why not."
I soon realized God's timing was everything. Through the 2nd pregnancy the cancer was found early, at a Stage 1. My beautiful baby boy saved my life, but more importantly God saved my life. He loved me unconditionally even though I was so angry with Him.
What an amazing God we have.
...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Nurses really do have angel wings.
I tossed and turned all night. I still couldn't figure out why the back of my head hurt so bad. I had to lay on one side or the other... not directly back. It hurt more than my incision (vampire bite) area's.
My nurse came in that morning around 6 am. I was wide awake. I was getting used to their routine by now since this was probably the millionth time they came in to check my vitals. This nurse was different though. She looked about my age and seemed to be very fun and caring. She took one look at me and said "What's wrong? You look so sad."
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. I had just been through a major surgery, I was awaiting results to find out if the cancer had spread, I didn't sleep at all the night before, and my head was hurting like crazy! I just looked at her with a puzzled look on my face.
She sat down next to me on my bed and started telling me about her story... which completely mirrored mine. While she was pregnant with her son, her doctor's found a cyst on her ovary that was later diagnosed as ovarian cancer. She went through the same surgery as I had just gone through the day before.
She described her feelings of hate, sadness, hopelessness and also her rejoice and relief. We talked for a while when I finally let it all out. What an amazing feeling to be able to release all my thoughts and feelings to this woman who was a complete stranger before that morning. I was able to tell her about all my feelings, because I knew she would know how I feel. She's been there. I've always been a big believer that God puts us through trials and tribulations so that one day we can turn around and help someone else going through the same thing. This was her opportunity... I didn't realize at the time how much I needed that. I couldn't "really" talk to anyone about this that I knew because I knew they wouldn't understand the way that my nurse did that day.
I also came to realize something else that day. She was right, I did look sad. I knew this surgery marked the end of my ability to have more children. I knew before the surgery I was done... but this really made it official. I didn't think I would be that sad about it, but I was. And she helped me figure out that it was okay to be.
After we talked she told me, "Everyday I look at my beautiful son and realize how lucky I am he saved my life." I know I've said those words as well and couldn't agree with her more.
My nurse that day is my inspiration for this blog. I needed some way to release and vent my feelings and at the same time in hopes to help someone else.
Thank you Jennifer for being there for me that day and know our conversation has stuck with me since.
...
My nurse came in that morning around 6 am. I was wide awake. I was getting used to their routine by now since this was probably the millionth time they came in to check my vitals. This nurse was different though. She looked about my age and seemed to be very fun and caring. She took one look at me and said "What's wrong? You look so sad."
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. I had just been through a major surgery, I was awaiting results to find out if the cancer had spread, I didn't sleep at all the night before, and my head was hurting like crazy! I just looked at her with a puzzled look on my face.
She sat down next to me on my bed and started telling me about her story... which completely mirrored mine. While she was pregnant with her son, her doctor's found a cyst on her ovary that was later diagnosed as ovarian cancer. She went through the same surgery as I had just gone through the day before.
She described her feelings of hate, sadness, hopelessness and also her rejoice and relief. We talked for a while when I finally let it all out. What an amazing feeling to be able to release all my thoughts and feelings to this woman who was a complete stranger before that morning. I was able to tell her about all my feelings, because I knew she would know how I feel. She's been there. I've always been a big believer that God puts us through trials and tribulations so that one day we can turn around and help someone else going through the same thing. This was her opportunity... I didn't realize at the time how much I needed that. I couldn't "really" talk to anyone about this that I knew because I knew they wouldn't understand the way that my nurse did that day.
I also came to realize something else that day. She was right, I did look sad. I knew this surgery marked the end of my ability to have more children. I knew before the surgery I was done... but this really made it official. I didn't think I would be that sad about it, but I was. And she helped me figure out that it was okay to be.
After we talked she told me, "Everyday I look at my beautiful son and realize how lucky I am he saved my life." I know I've said those words as well and couldn't agree with her more.
My nurse that day is my inspiration for this blog. I needed some way to release and vent my feelings and at the same time in hopes to help someone else.
Thank you Jennifer for being there for me that day and know our conversation has stuck with me since.
...
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