Wow, it feels like a million years since I wrote last. Summer has been crazy busy and I've had a few setbacks that stopped me from wanting to write. I decided I needed to write about those setbacks if I want to move forward. Writing has been a therapy for me and so I've decided to keep going...
The nurses were moving into my room every hour... so it seemed. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was so hard for me to focus on anything or get myself to move. Two nurses came in about 10:00 that night and decided I needed to sit up. I had just had major abdominal surgery just hours before... and they want me to do what? They had to help me pull my legs over the edge of the bed and each held my arms to lift me off the bed. I was annoyed. In this moment I flashed back to an eeriely similar moment just a couple years prior.
Two nurses were on either side of my husband trying to lift him up to sit him up for the first time after his surgery. This was his second day in ICU and was just coming to. I recall how unsteady he was. He has always been my strong protector, and in this moment he looked so vulnerable and weak. He was so fragile and barely made it up the first time. I wondered if he was just as annoyed then as I was now.
My husband just underwent brain surgery for an aucostic-neuroma brain tumor and was now in the hospital recovering. I never imagined we'd be in this same position more than once. But here I was... just like him.. both diagnosed with cancer at 29 years old.
As I was sitting up, annoyed at the nurses and thinking of my husband, I wondered why God decided that BOTH of us would go though this. Didn't our family go through enough yet?
I realize now that I asked myself "Why?" quite often at that stage. Since then I've decided that God must think we're pretty tough to put us through this twice so young. You know the saying... "God only gives you what He knows you can handle."
Yep... we're pretty tough.
...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Radio Short Story contest
I wrote this for KLove's (Christian radio station) Sanctus Real story contest. I only had a 250 word limit, so I condensed BIG TIME... I know I'm usually a bit wordy.
"There is no heartbeat." Those were the words I replayed over and over in my head for almost a year. Our overwhelming joy of trying to grow our family came to a complete halt. These were the only words I heard and remember from my doctor appointment that day.
I was angry and discouraged with God. And I couldn't understand why this was happening.
After a year I was pregnant again, while sitting on pins and needles, I kept thinking something was going to be wrong. I just knew it.
There was something wrong, only with me, not the baby. While pregnant my doctors discovered a growth on one of my ovaries, gone undetected until this point.
I was soon diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I became a new mother to a healthy baby boy and was now facing cancer all within the same day.
I asked God one question, "Why?"
My question was answered with a very direct "why not."
I soon realized God's timing was everything. Through the 2nd pregnancy the cancer was found early, at a Stage 1. My beautiful baby boy saved my life, but more importantly God saved my life. He loved me unconditionally even though I was so angry with Him.
What an amazing God we have.
...
"There is no heartbeat." Those were the words I replayed over and over in my head for almost a year. Our overwhelming joy of trying to grow our family came to a complete halt. These were the only words I heard and remember from my doctor appointment that day.
I was angry and discouraged with God. And I couldn't understand why this was happening.
After a year I was pregnant again, while sitting on pins and needles, I kept thinking something was going to be wrong. I just knew it.
There was something wrong, only with me, not the baby. While pregnant my doctors discovered a growth on one of my ovaries, gone undetected until this point.
I was soon diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I became a new mother to a healthy baby boy and was now facing cancer all within the same day.
I asked God one question, "Why?"
My question was answered with a very direct "why not."
I soon realized God's timing was everything. Through the 2nd pregnancy the cancer was found early, at a Stage 1. My beautiful baby boy saved my life, but more importantly God saved my life. He loved me unconditionally even though I was so angry with Him.
What an amazing God we have.
...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Nurses really do have angel wings.
I tossed and turned all night. I still couldn't figure out why the back of my head hurt so bad. I had to lay on one side or the other... not directly back. It hurt more than my incision (vampire bite) area's.
My nurse came in that morning around 6 am. I was wide awake. I was getting used to their routine by now since this was probably the millionth time they came in to check my vitals. This nurse was different though. She looked about my age and seemed to be very fun and caring. She took one look at me and said "What's wrong? You look so sad."
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. I had just been through a major surgery, I was awaiting results to find out if the cancer had spread, I didn't sleep at all the night before, and my head was hurting like crazy! I just looked at her with a puzzled look on my face.
She sat down next to me on my bed and started telling me about her story... which completely mirrored mine. While she was pregnant with her son, her doctor's found a cyst on her ovary that was later diagnosed as ovarian cancer. She went through the same surgery as I had just gone through the day before.
She described her feelings of hate, sadness, hopelessness and also her rejoice and relief. We talked for a while when I finally let it all out. What an amazing feeling to be able to release all my thoughts and feelings to this woman who was a complete stranger before that morning. I was able to tell her about all my feelings, because I knew she would know how I feel. She's been there. I've always been a big believer that God puts us through trials and tribulations so that one day we can turn around and help someone else going through the same thing. This was her opportunity... I didn't realize at the time how much I needed that. I couldn't "really" talk to anyone about this that I knew because I knew they wouldn't understand the way that my nurse did that day.
I also came to realize something else that day. She was right, I did look sad. I knew this surgery marked the end of my ability to have more children. I knew before the surgery I was done... but this really made it official. I didn't think I would be that sad about it, but I was. And she helped me figure out that it was okay to be.
After we talked she told me, "Everyday I look at my beautiful son and realize how lucky I am he saved my life." I know I've said those words as well and couldn't agree with her more.
My nurse that day is my inspiration for this blog. I needed some way to release and vent my feelings and at the same time in hopes to help someone else.
Thank you Jennifer for being there for me that day and know our conversation has stuck with me since.
...
My nurse came in that morning around 6 am. I was wide awake. I was getting used to their routine by now since this was probably the millionth time they came in to check my vitals. This nurse was different though. She looked about my age and seemed to be very fun and caring. She took one look at me and said "What's wrong? You look so sad."
I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. I had just been through a major surgery, I was awaiting results to find out if the cancer had spread, I didn't sleep at all the night before, and my head was hurting like crazy! I just looked at her with a puzzled look on my face.
She sat down next to me on my bed and started telling me about her story... which completely mirrored mine. While she was pregnant with her son, her doctor's found a cyst on her ovary that was later diagnosed as ovarian cancer. She went through the same surgery as I had just gone through the day before.
She described her feelings of hate, sadness, hopelessness and also her rejoice and relief. We talked for a while when I finally let it all out. What an amazing feeling to be able to release all my thoughts and feelings to this woman who was a complete stranger before that morning. I was able to tell her about all my feelings, because I knew she would know how I feel. She's been there. I've always been a big believer that God puts us through trials and tribulations so that one day we can turn around and help someone else going through the same thing. This was her opportunity... I didn't realize at the time how much I needed that. I couldn't "really" talk to anyone about this that I knew because I knew they wouldn't understand the way that my nurse did that day.
I also came to realize something else that day. She was right, I did look sad. I knew this surgery marked the end of my ability to have more children. I knew before the surgery I was done... but this really made it official. I didn't think I would be that sad about it, but I was. And she helped me figure out that it was okay to be.
After we talked she told me, "Everyday I look at my beautiful son and realize how lucky I am he saved my life." I know I've said those words as well and couldn't agree with her more.
My nurse that day is my inspiration for this blog. I needed some way to release and vent my feelings and at the same time in hopes to help someone else.
Thank you Jennifer for being there for me that day and know our conversation has stuck with me since.
...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Cancer took my lady junk
I was suddenly awakened by three nurses. They bombarded me with checking all my vitals. I didn't feel very much alive, but I'm sure that's what they were checking. As they were checking my vampire bites AKA incision areas, one of the nurses put an estrogen patch on me. She was explaining that now that I was surgically-induced menopausal, I would start having symptoms right away.
I was laughing inside my head when I said, "oh... right... menopausal at 29..." She thought I was serious and started telling me how this was necessary and yada yada yada, that's when I realized she didn't hear me laugh inside my head. I stopped her and said, "I was joking."
She took a sigh of relief and then changed her tune. She thought I was pretty lucky not having to "deal" with monthly cycles anymore. I agreed, I did feel pretty lucky about that.
However, my feeling of luck dwindled as I realized cancer took my lady junk. I felt empty inside. What made me- me, was now gone.
That's when I decided cancer was a jerk.
As these nurses were checking everything, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was a mom to a newborn and the thought of sleeping through the night had been unheard of since he was born. It was 9:00 pm, the nurses just left my room and I was starting to close my eyes for a nice, long sleep.
Then I couldn't sleep.
...
I was laughing inside my head when I said, "oh... right... menopausal at 29..." She thought I was serious and started telling me how this was necessary and yada yada yada, that's when I realized she didn't hear me laugh inside my head. I stopped her and said, "I was joking."
She took a sigh of relief and then changed her tune. She thought I was pretty lucky not having to "deal" with monthly cycles anymore. I agreed, I did feel pretty lucky about that.
However, my feeling of luck dwindled as I realized cancer took my lady junk. I felt empty inside. What made me- me, was now gone.
That's when I decided cancer was a jerk.
As these nurses were checking everything, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was a mom to a newborn and the thought of sleeping through the night had been unheard of since he was born. It was 9:00 pm, the nurses just left my room and I was starting to close my eyes for a nice, long sleep.
Then I couldn't sleep.
...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Post-Surgery
My body is shaking uncontrollably. I'm freezing cold. My throat feels on fire and cannot speak. I can't open my eyes; simply due to not having any strength. I keep shaking in hopes that a nurse will see me and give me a warm blanket. This worked, I did get the warm blanket, but I'm still cold. I keep shivering unable to get warm. I'm wondering why the nurse isn't giving me another blanket, unable to open my eyes, I can't see if anyone is paying attention to me.
Suddenly I hear a voice talking through a phone. At least this is my assumption since I can't hear the person on the other end. "She's been sleeping for over 2 hours now, she needs to go to her room. She's starting to wake up..." and she went on with some other medical gibberish that I now can't remember. All I kept thinking was that I wanted another blanket. I shivered more hoping she would see me. I was so cold.
I could tell she was near me when I finally had the strength to whisper "cold.... blanket." She proceeded by taking my temperature and telling me I was too hot and couldn't receive another blanket since I was running a fever. Dang. I continued to shiver.
I was suddenly being moved. I still couldn't open my eyes. I'm sure my perception was off, but I'm pretty sure I went through an elevator and down a couple hallways to get to my room.
I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep. Paul was finally able to come and see me and he told me he was waiting in the family lounge for over 7 hours. Still unable to talk or really open my eyes, I kept trying to tell him my head was hurting. I'm sure I managed to get the words out somehow... and he took the pony-tail out that I had in. My hair was engrossed with iodine, it felt dirty, but I didn't care I just wanted to sleep. My head hurt so bad I couldn't get comfortable, I had to try and sleep from one side or another.
I'm not sure how long Paul stayed there, but I remember thinking I wanted him to go eat something and get some rest. After he left, all I could do was sleep.
....
Suddenly I hear a voice talking through a phone. At least this is my assumption since I can't hear the person on the other end. "She's been sleeping for over 2 hours now, she needs to go to her room. She's starting to wake up..." and she went on with some other medical gibberish that I now can't remember. All I kept thinking was that I wanted another blanket. I shivered more hoping she would see me. I was so cold.
I could tell she was near me when I finally had the strength to whisper "cold.... blanket." She proceeded by taking my temperature and telling me I was too hot and couldn't receive another blanket since I was running a fever. Dang. I continued to shiver.
I was suddenly being moved. I still couldn't open my eyes. I'm sure my perception was off, but I'm pretty sure I went through an elevator and down a couple hallways to get to my room.
I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep. Paul was finally able to come and see me and he told me he was waiting in the family lounge for over 7 hours. Still unable to talk or really open my eyes, I kept trying to tell him my head was hurting. I'm sure I managed to get the words out somehow... and he took the pony-tail out that I had in. My hair was engrossed with iodine, it felt dirty, but I didn't care I just wanted to sleep. My head hurt so bad I couldn't get comfortable, I had to try and sleep from one side or another.
I'm not sure how long Paul stayed there, but I remember thinking I wanted him to go eat something and get some rest. After he left, all I could do was sleep.
....
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Happy Juice
As I was being serenaded with TobyMac songs from my husband, my doctor walked in. The last time I saw him was at his office, he was wearing a button-down shirt, tie, and white doctor coat. This time he had his scrubs on. I couldn't help but notice how wrinkled they were. He was just coming out of a different surgery and my mind started racing on whether or not he changed scrubs and pulled these wrinkled ones out from the bottom of the stack or if he didn't change at all. I decided I needed to stop thinking about that.
He started explaining parts of the surgey, like how'd I'd be practically upside down during the procedure... ya, thank goodness I was out cold for that. After he was finished he said, just a few more minutes!
That's when the happy juice came. At least that's what I like to call it. The nurse gave me the "happy juice" through my IV and I immediately at a "high". I'm pretty sure I told her all about how I thought this was happy juice. Did she laugh at me? No, she'd probably heard it all before.
I was then rolled out of the surgery prep room to the surgery room. It was cold and gray. I was still pretty happy.. so I didn't really care. The nurses then put a mask over my mouth and I remember answering a question. I was taking small breaths, not sure why, but I felt like that's all I could do.
I remember the nurses talking to each other and looking at me, then one of them said "take a big deap breath in" and I was out cold.
...
He started explaining parts of the surgey, like how'd I'd be practically upside down during the procedure... ya, thank goodness I was out cold for that. After he was finished he said, just a few more minutes!
That's when the happy juice came. At least that's what I like to call it. The nurse gave me the "happy juice" through my IV and I immediately at a "high". I'm pretty sure I told her all about how I thought this was happy juice. Did she laugh at me? No, she'd probably heard it all before.
I was then rolled out of the surgery prep room to the surgery room. It was cold and gray. I was still pretty happy.. so I didn't really care. The nurses then put a mask over my mouth and I remember answering a question. I was taking small breaths, not sure why, but I felt like that's all I could do.
I remember the nurses talking to each other and looking at me, then one of them said "take a big deap breath in" and I was out cold.
...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Don't look at me, I just want to get this over with...
That morning I awoke feeling nervous and anxious. I was having surgery today. I was about to find out if the cancer had spread or if it was contained to one area. Surgery was the only way for us to know for sure.
When we got to the hospital that morning, I felt sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if I was just completely nervous from what was about to happen... or from the bowel prep the night before. Regardless... I felt no need to talk to anyone and I simply wanted to wallow in my own shell.
Paul was fully aware of my "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with" attitude... and quickly took over. He checked me in and we were ushered to the other side of the reception area. I felt like a herd of cows... there were a lot of us "cows" just waiting our turn for surgery that day.
That's when "she" showed up. Couldn't she tell I had the look of "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with..."?? Apparently not. She was an older woman in her 90's. She probably did this voluntarily to help bring comfort to patients. It did not bring me comfort, it made me uncomfortable and more nervous than what I already was. She was wearing a long skirt with large tennis shoes, a sweater and a cross wrapped around her neck. I wondered if she was a nun.
She came over and read the sweater I had put on that morning. It was one of Paul's sweaters that's extremely comfortable... this was my only reason for wearing it that day, nothing more. The words said "Good Doctors are Integrity Doctors". This was a slogan for some "doctor" company... can't remember which now. This woman decided to approach me with saying "Integrity is really so important, isn't it?". Ummm... was I supposed to respond to that? Again.. Paul took over. He carried on the conversation with her. He allowed me to stay in my shell and not respond too much.
When she finally wrapped things up she told Paul to take good care of me and make sure I had support after surgery. Okay, maybe this conversation wasn't so bad after all.
...
They finally called my name. It felt like a million years... although I'm sure it was only 20 minutes. I was ushered into the back surgery prep room. All the "cows" came back here, got on their gowns and socks and waited yet again.
I was just getting into a really good game of Bejeweled on my cell phone when a nurse came in to ask some questions. She first started with the usual: name, age, birth date, allergies, etc. Then she asked "Have you fallen down in the past 6 months?" I kind of chuckled to myself and said, "I don't know, I may have tripped over something, I am kind of a klutz!" She looked at me and said, "This question is really for much older people, this probably doesn't apply to you." Right, I almost forgot how young I was...
After the nurse left, another lady came in. She was here for a cancer study. She looked like a student and she looked about my age. I received a phone call and packet a few weeks prior to surgery asking if I would participate in this cancer study. I was considered a very unusual case because of the lack of family cancer history and my age. I agreed to do the study, although I'll have no idea of the results. They wanted to keep my anonymity so that the scientists working on this study won't be bias. I signed a few forms allowing them to take whatever samples they needed from me. At least I would be of some use during this surgery.
I was then taken by another nurse to another surgery prep room. This is where I received my bed and IV's, one in each arm. I knew I was getting close, and I'm sure I had the look of "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with". Paul sat next to me and started singing me TobyMac songs, this made me laugh.
...
When we got to the hospital that morning, I felt sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if I was just completely nervous from what was about to happen... or from the bowel prep the night before. Regardless... I felt no need to talk to anyone and I simply wanted to wallow in my own shell.
Paul was fully aware of my "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with" attitude... and quickly took over. He checked me in and we were ushered to the other side of the reception area. I felt like a herd of cows... there were a lot of us "cows" just waiting our turn for surgery that day.
That's when "she" showed up. Couldn't she tell I had the look of "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with..."?? Apparently not. She was an older woman in her 90's. She probably did this voluntarily to help bring comfort to patients. It did not bring me comfort, it made me uncomfortable and more nervous than what I already was. She was wearing a long skirt with large tennis shoes, a sweater and a cross wrapped around her neck. I wondered if she was a nun.
She came over and read the sweater I had put on that morning. It was one of Paul's sweaters that's extremely comfortable... this was my only reason for wearing it that day, nothing more. The words said "Good Doctors are Integrity Doctors". This was a slogan for some "doctor" company... can't remember which now. This woman decided to approach me with saying "Integrity is really so important, isn't it?". Ummm... was I supposed to respond to that? Again.. Paul took over. He carried on the conversation with her. He allowed me to stay in my shell and not respond too much.
When she finally wrapped things up she told Paul to take good care of me and make sure I had support after surgery. Okay, maybe this conversation wasn't so bad after all.
...
They finally called my name. It felt like a million years... although I'm sure it was only 20 minutes. I was ushered into the back surgery prep room. All the "cows" came back here, got on their gowns and socks and waited yet again.
I was just getting into a really good game of Bejeweled on my cell phone when a nurse came in to ask some questions. She first started with the usual: name, age, birth date, allergies, etc. Then she asked "Have you fallen down in the past 6 months?" I kind of chuckled to myself and said, "I don't know, I may have tripped over something, I am kind of a klutz!" She looked at me and said, "This question is really for much older people, this probably doesn't apply to you." Right, I almost forgot how young I was...
After the nurse left, another lady came in. She was here for a cancer study. She looked like a student and she looked about my age. I received a phone call and packet a few weeks prior to surgery asking if I would participate in this cancer study. I was considered a very unusual case because of the lack of family cancer history and my age. I agreed to do the study, although I'll have no idea of the results. They wanted to keep my anonymity so that the scientists working on this study won't be bias. I signed a few forms allowing them to take whatever samples they needed from me. At least I would be of some use during this surgery.
I was then taken by another nurse to another surgery prep room. This is where I received my bed and IV's, one in each arm. I knew I was getting close, and I'm sure I had the look of "don't look at me, I just want to get this over with". Paul sat next to me and started singing me TobyMac songs, this made me laugh.
...
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